Umm
Jack Carter exactlyaverage
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Room 330: Wednesday Afternoon
Jack was muttering various things under his breath this afternoon. Mostly about how it was supposed to be July and instead it was freezing outside.

However the temperature and the muttering did not stop Jack from suiting up and heading out for his daily run.

Leaving his room completely defenseless.

[For one in particular. NFB]

And completely missing the blond girl hiding around the corner, lying in wait for just such an opportunity.

They'd see who tried to steal whose remote now.

Sam snuck up to the door, giving the knob a quick test twist. Locked. As though that would stop her. She even managed to beat her personal best by a tenth of a second.

She looked back and forth up and down the hall one more time, then ducked into the room.

Revenge was hers!

Except for the fact that Sam was not completely alone in the room.

That is if you counted a certain artificial intelligence.

"Hello?" cooed the laptop in a cheerful tone. "Who is it?"

Sam spun in place, looking for the source of the voice, clutching her bag of tricks tighter. "Hey, who said that?"

"My name is SARAH," the laptop replied in the oh-so-friendly tone, "which is an acronym for Self Actuated Residential Automated Habitat. Though currently I'm in laptop form. Are you a friend of Annie or Jack?"

Sam turned in a circle again, staring around before she spotted the laptop. "Uh. Yeah. Jack and me go way back." Yeah, she was totally lying to a computer. "I'm Sam."

"Oh!" SARAH said as Sam's face came into view of her camera. "You're the girl from iCarly. I've been watching your web shows and relaying them home to Eureka. They've become quite popular there. Particularly the ones where Jack shows up. They're quite interesting!"

"Yeah?" Dude, she totally just got recognized by a computer. It made sense, in a weird kind of way. "It is fun to watch him squirm."

"He does seem to do that a lot since he came here to school," SARAH noted.

Of course he did that in Eureka too but that was a different kind of squirming.

"May I ask why are you here in his room?" the AI asked. "Is this to be part of your show?"

"Uh." Sure, why not? "Yeah! New segment we're trying out: 'Messin' with Jack'. Or maybe 'Jack Attack', we haven't decided yet." Mostly because Sam hadn't actually had the idea until right then.

"Is Fred late to record your zany antics?" SARAH asked, "If so I'm completely capable of shooting the footage for you. I'm also able edit the footage for you and add a soundtrack if you would like?"

SARAH was always willing to be helpful to Jack's friends. Isn't that nice of her?

She was the nicest talking computer Sam had ever met. "That'd be great. You know Freddie, he's such a flake."

No, that would be Sam.

"So, yeah, basically what I'm doing is cutting the sleeves out of all Jack's clothes." In ice age like weather. Sam was awesome. "Except maybe a really ugly jacket."

"And Jack's okay with that?" SARAH asked in mild concern. "Though I guess he wouldnt mind too much. He does have very nice arms. He could benefit from showing them off. Though it is rather cold outside."

"This way he can fit more layers on," Sam said. "Under the ugly jacket. So, uh, you'd make sure to catch Jack's reaction, right? 'Cause that's the best part. For the viewers at home."

"Well, I'd hate to disappoint your viewers," SARAH rationalized. "All right then. Shall I give you a count down? In 5-4-3-2..."

And just like Fred, SARAH left off the one. She must be a true fan.

Freddie was going to love hearing about this. Sam almost didn't want to tell him.

She whipped out her scissors with a broad, evil grin. "Jack thinks he can get away with taking my remote disguised as a dog? We'll show him." She gave an exaggerated "shhhhh!" gesture, then tip-toed to Jack's closet. "Mwahahahahahahahaha."

And as Sam tip-toed to the closet, SARAH added some cartoon sound effects that almost sounding like a her tip-toeing had a xylophone effect.

And the laughter?

Thunder.

SARAH is nothing but helpful. Really.

"What are you going to start off with, Sam?" SARAH asked.

Sam liked SARAH's style.

"Well, SARAH. First up, I'm thinking the button downs." She pulled one out and snapped the scissors dramatically. "Snip snip!"

"He also has a Dodger's jersey that he's especially fond of," SARAH suggested. "Would you like some music while you do your work?"

"Ooo, good call." Sam trimmed the sleeves from the shirt she was holding, then dug through for the jersey. "Do you have any spy music?"

"I was actually thinking of something more upbeat," SARAH replied as she queued up the music. "Also the Jersey is in the back near his collection of brown t-shirts.


Oh SARAH. You're so getting a lecture later.

Sam threw in another evil laugh as she located the jersey. She held it out with a flourish. "SARAH," she said. "I can see this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

"Oooooo!" SARAH cooed. "Does that mean I can be on the show?"

"Yeah, sure. Do you have any special talents you'd want to show off?"

Yes, she was making small talk with a talking computer while cutting the sleeves off of Jack's shirts.

"I can do several high level mathematical equations at once!"

That might not be what the audience is looking for SARAH.

"Yeeeeah, that doesn't sound like it'd show up well on camera. But maybe we can work with it."

?

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